Lowering the bar
We’ve hit the one-year mark of the anniversary of this global COVID pandemic.
As I approach day-to-day life during this challenging time, I realize how helpful it can be to adopt an attitude of “It’s ok to lower the bar, to let things slide a bit, to reduce perfectionism.” Really.
So many of us have adopted a perfectionist approach to life. Perfectionism is a personality style often found in those with disordered eating or food issues. It is characterized by a person’s concern with striving for flawlessness and is accompanied by harsh self-criticism and often leads to increased self-loathing.
Some folks may say, “I’m not a perfectionist, look at my house, it’s a mess, etc.” Having a perfectionist personality doesn’t mean we necessarily fit the Western standards of an idealized life. Perfectionism means that we’re always striving for more: to do more, have more, be more. And when this isn’t seemingly attainable, we may give up completely. Perfectionism manifests in all or nothing thinking. Procrastination actually goes hand in hand with perfectionism, i.e. “If I can’t do it just right, I won’t even try.” Procrastination is often the result of guilt and shame felt when we have placed the bar too high.
I’m proposing we let go of perfectionism as a way of life. And I’m proposing we especially do so now. For example, can I give myself permission to lower the bar of what counts as “dinner” during this pandemic? Instead of a gourmet home-cooked meal, can I feed myself a Marie Calendar or Trader Joe’s frozen dinner with some ice cream for dessert and call it good? Or can I heat up a can of Campbell’s beef stew and have it with bread and butter and be proud of myself for competently feeding myself? It may not be sustainable to order out every night, but can I consider ordering from DoorDash more frequently and see it as a loving act of self-nourishment during these tough times instead of as a splurge I can’t afford (whether you’re thinking money or calories)?
Perfectionism is a way we enact self-harm.
We tell ourselves we must do it right, have constraint, don’t eff up, etc. in order to be worthy of self-love. Since the bar we set is impossibly high, we therefore spend much of our time in self-contempt. Perfectionism blocks self-expression and it blocks love. And during this pandemic it can block the balanced mind set we need for self-preservation.
I invite you to offer yourself grace, to give yourself a free pass. Look at all we’ve been through, see the common humanity in us all, lower the bar, and then lower it again.
Following is a poem from a teen client. She is a very special disrupter, who has an amazing ability to stay connected to the truth.
I believe
That we all have
A flower inside.
Wanting to accept;
Wanting to love.
Wanting to
Break free of
The blinds that
Modern media, society
Etch into us.
The flower yearns
To thrive;
Petals erupting
From its center,
Stretching to the sky.
But instead it wilts,
The soft petals
Drifting to the
Salted earth
As we judge,
Compare.
Viewing through
The lenses of
A broken telescope;
Narrow, heartless,
Broken.
By Claire S. - 14yo
And if you are interested in beginning to heal your own perfectionism, especially around food and body, send me a message here or go ahead and schedule a free 20 minute consultation with me to learn more.