Shame Resilience: Part 1
Shame and its medicine, shame resilience, are topics that merit our attention within diet culture. It can be hard to talk about shame, even though it can be a big part of our lives. If this feels too triggering right now, leave this blog for a different time. If you choose to keep going, do your best to breathe and stay present. Take care of yourself however you need to. Know this will be gentle.
SHAME can be defined as an intensely painful feeling or experience that we are unworthy or fundamentally flawed in such a way that we don't belong. As humans, throughout history, we’ve needed our tribe to survive. To this day, we still have a very deep groove in our brain that is constantly on a loop, wondering, “Do I belong? Do I fit in?” And then shame pops up if we answer “No” to these questions. In ancient times, not belonging meant being shunned from the tribe and likely left for dead. So, no wonder shame feels so terrible. It can feel like dying. Of course, we often go to great lengths to avoid this feeling.
SYSTEMS OF SHAME - In many ways, we are conditioned to feel this way. Anybody in a body feels shame. It’s a huge part of our human experience. However, dominant culture holds a particularly high level of shame for the bodies of those with non-dominant identities; women’s bodies, fat bodies, trans bodies, non-white bodies, aging bodies, and/or disabled bodies. I benefit from thin, white, straight privilege. I do feel like I can carry a bunch of shame, but at the same time, I try to be mindful of all the stigma that is NOT a part of my experience, and that IS a part of many other humans’ lives.
Let’s discuss SHAME AVOIDANCE. I don’t know about you, but my life is filled with example after example of times I have avoided something because I had a notion that it might trigger my shame response. I have avoided applying for that dream job, avoided wearing an outfit that was outside of societal norms, even if it was something I loved, and avoided trying something new for and with my body. (There was a time when I really thought belly dancing would be cool to learn, but dropped out of the class quickly when I realized I moved differently than the other students in class.)
And now let’s talk about SHAME RESILIENCE. Shame resilience theory is the idea that a person can move through shame constructively while maintaining a basic level of authenticity, and increase his or her levels of courage, compassion, and connection. -(Brown 2009)
I’ll give you an example from my own life. I was going on a hike in the desert that was rated “easy.” Although “easy for who?” is a question that I had once I got started. I deal with some ability issues, including fear of heights and vertigo. At one point in the hike, I was faced with a low rock to climb onto. Fear crept up, I froze, and I couldn’t do it by myself. All the other people I saw easily could. I was hit with a shame response like a punch in the gut. My breathing quickened, my heart raced, and my head spun. The urge to hide was so strong, I actually left the trail, heading who knows where through the desert. Then, I was inspired to find the biggest living thing I could. I found a bright green desert bush. I touched it and tears started streaming from my eyes. As I continued to touch this living thing, I began to breathe full breaths again. My heart slowed down. I let myself cry for as long as I needed. Then, with a little bit more grounded energy, I approached the trail and asked a kind person for help up the rock, so I could keep going on the trail.
It took another ½ hour to more fully regulate after this shame response. By that time, the hike was over, but I had a new tool in my pocket and an increased confidence that I could do hard things.
You see, you can’t control life so that you never feel shame.You can try to be hypervigilant about your avoidance of shame, but it will still pop up, and meanwhile, your life will get very small.
What was my new tool? Grounding through a shame response. The way I see “grounding” is to lean into the present moment. It’s a mindfulness technique that involves connection. One could connect to their 5 senses, their thoughts and emotions, their bodily sensations, or something else. In this example, I connected to a living thing. This could be a plant, animal, or person. Something about connecting to this green bush connected me to the goodness of Life. I could use the life energy to co-regulate in a way. (Imagine petting a favorite pet and the calm this can bring.)
While grounding, I felt my nervous system come back into alignment. Yes, it took some time, but I could see that my shame response had a beginning, a middle, and an end. I could “ride the wave,” so to speak. This is just one of many important tools to increase shame resilience.
In part 2 of this blog, we will discuss more tools to support your shame resilience. We will also look at how shame resilience can play a part in recovering from Disordered Eating. So stay tuned for that!
Keep honing your shame-resilience tool, grounding. This tool can help you recognize shame and move through it constructively, emerging more courageous and connected on the other side.
For more support with shame resilience, please reach out to me at Heart Guided Nutrition. We can work together to strengthen your shame resilience tools. Sign up for a free meet and greet here!