Shame Resilience Part 2 - Shame Resilience and Disordered Eating
Shame can be quite a sticky topic. And here I am, writing about it for the second time in a row! Why? Because I think this topic is under-represented and oh-so-important when it comes to recovering from disordered eating. But, before we dive in, a plug for self-care around this topic. Shame thrives in secret, and just the thought of bringing it out into the light can be triggering. Please take care of yourself. Trust your body’s signals. If this doesn’t feel right to explore now, let that be OK, and save this blog for another time. Also, if you haven’t read part one yet or would just like a review, you can read it here first.
In this blog, we'll be doing a deeper dive into Shame Resilience. Shame Resilience Theory is the idea that a person can move through shame constructively while maintaining a basic level of authenticity and increasing their levels of courage, compassion, and connection (Brown 2009). We’ll be discussing how Shame Resilience relates to recovery from disordered eating, as well as naming some more great tools to help you as you move through shame.
SHAME AND DISORDERED EATING
As was mentioned in the last blog, anyone who has a body experiences shame. And, those with Disordered Eating (those who practice chronic dieting or other harmful behaviors in pursuit of the “thin ideal”) may particularly benefit from some of this shame resilience work. There can be so much shame and stigma around eating behaviors and body image. Shame is also often deeply woven through the lives of my clients who have experienced any kind of abuse.
Shame, for example, may have first shown up when you were a kiddo and overheard a caregiver, doctor, or peer discussing food intake and/or bodies. (Interestingly, it doesn’t matter if they were criticizing their own, someone else’s, or your body. The resulting feeling of shame can be the same.) That shame may have become internalized and now lives inside of you. In someone with an eating disorder, the disorder will actually “use” this shame in a way, bringing it to the forefront in order to inhibit a behavior that is incongruent with the eating disorder. For example, shame can keep you stuck in the dichotomy of good food vs. bad food. Shame and guilt could become so loud as you were contemplating putting the “forbidden” chocolate cake in your grocery cart that you forgo your body’s desire and leave the store with some precut veggies instead. You then may be stuck in a mire of deprivation, where you continue to restrict or eventually binge on chocolate cake from DoorDash later.
Part of healing from an eating disorder/disordered eating is facing your fear of shame. Extending my previous example of grocery shopping, a way you could challenge this fear of shame is to put the cake in your cart and wheel your cart throughout the store to the checkout. By abandoning diet culture’s ideas about chocolate cake, you are taking back your power of choice and taking some of the power out of shame. When you face this fear of being seen, instead of following the directions of the eating disorder, you may experience some distress. Your nervous system may become elevated as your shame is activated. What can you do to practice Shame Resilience and make this a bit easier?
SHAME RESILIENCE TOOLS
In my last blog, we talked about the TOOL OF CONNECTION to soften a shame response. In this grocery store example, you could practice connection with the present moment. One of my favorite little grounding tools is 5-4-3-2-1. You could pause for a moment in the store and mentally list off 5 things you could see, then list 4 things you could hear, then 3 you could feel, 2 you could smell, and lastly, 1 you could taste (maybe you pop some gum in your mouth at this time.) This present moment connection practice can help you breathe through shame and come out the other side.
Actually, this grocery store scenario as a whole is another example of a shame resilience tool. The TOOL OF APPROACHING VS AVOIDING. When you avoid shame at all costs, it becomes bigger and scarier and even harder to face the next time. Your life, meanwhile, can become smaller. When faced, you see shame and stigma for what it is. As you become habituated to doing hard things, you may find shame is less disruptive in your life.
Another tool for shame resilience is the TOOL OF NAME IT TO TAME IT. You can name the systems of oppression that are at play in your shame. For this one, let's use an example of body shame. Think of a time you were focused on something you didn’t like about your body. Maybe you could feel the heavy weight of shame around this. One way to externalize that which has been internalized, is to call it out. To name it. When you recognize and name the weight stigma, fatphobia, misogyny, patriarchy, ableism, white supremacy, and other forms of oppression that are operating within you and causing you to feel body shame, you can externalize those forces, and put the blame where it belongs.
There are many Shame Resilience tools. The last one I will give a nod to here is the TOOL OF REACHING OUT. Talking vulnerably to another person about your experience of shame. This can be a difficult tool to implement, but reaching out is also one of the most powerful medicines for shame. It can be risky to reach out. You can’t guarantee you will be met with an empathetic response. You can mediate this risk by working to build some safer-feeling relationships in your life. It may take time, but it’s worth it to have a place to come home to when your shame has been triggered. You can intentionally choose someone who is likely to be an empathetic witness to your shame, someone who hears you and still accepts you exactly as you are. This type of connection can dissolve your shame like nothing else can. The experience of shame is rooted in being unworthy of connection. Reaching out and being met with empathy actually rewires your brain and can heal trauma.
Keep honing your shame resilience tools, those tools that help you recognize shame and move through it constructively, coming out more courageous and connected on the other side. You’ll see that, over time, diet culture and weight stigma may have less of an impact on whether or not you choose to eat certain foods, wear certain clothes, or do certain activities. When you are able, keep moving on to the next challenge and you will have the upper hand over fear of shame.
For more support with Shame Resilience, please reach out to me at Heart Guided Nutrition. We can work together to safeguard you against food and body shame.
Hope you share this blog with those who might benefit!! In case you forgot, I also offer a free meet and greet call. You can schedule that here (Click Book Appointment).